I’m taking a new direction when it comes to writing.
Previously my insecurity has taken root and flowered in the way I show up online. I have poured my heart and soul and spent countless hours perfecting what I share, the way I tell my stories and how I express myself generally.
What started as a calling to share my experiences and life lessons with the world, turned into a debilitating fear that people would judge me. Not for being vulnerable and sharing my deepest emotional hurdles.
No… judgement for the way I write.
Somewhere along my adult life, I developed an insecurity that I was rather unintelligent. That I was not as smart as I should be, and that this would translate in my words.
I found that I ‘struggled’ to express myself verbally, whether it was expressing emotions, ideas, or my thought process for example, and so this meant I was unintelligent.
But this has nothing to do with writing.
Isolating your insecurity.
My truth is that my full and most powerful expression flows through my hands, in artistic creation or written words. And no one can tell me otherwise.
My verbal communication style and my creative or writing abilities are mutually exclusive. But it has been hard work keeping these parts of myself as isolated experiences.
When I set up this blog, my goal was to upload monthly. But that soon turned to quarterly. Then, whenever I felt like it. But this came attached with a lot of guilt. Because, while I wrote almost daily, I didn’t have the time or energy to feed my relentless perfection and insecurity and that stopped me from showing up authentically.
Now, I sit on my words, and I let it marinate. I carefully construct my storytelling so that it sounds and reads precisely how I want it to portray. I write and rewrite 80% of my sentences, and it honestly drives me nuts.
This isn’t what self-expression is supposed to look like, is it?
Is it supposed to fill me with dread and resentment?
My inability to accept what naturally flows through me as divine and a true expression during a time I won’t ever have again, tells me that the RAW, unfiltered version of me is unacceptable.
That is not giving myself “permission to be.”
Whenever we don’t allow ourselves to be seen just as we are, we tell ourselves we are not enough.
But I am enough. We are all enough.
My constant reflection and desire for perfection stopped me from truly moving through my experiences. Just as I get stuck on a particular sentence, one that I wrote over a year ago, there I am stuck energetically, entangled in the experiences of my past—trying to do it justice. Still today, years later.
Reflection is healthy, obsessing over articulating is not.
To my defect, I stopped free-flowing, writing creatively and intuitively, and I began to intellectualize my experiences with words so that I could communicate them clearly and precisely. And that couldn’t be further from who I am.
I write to heal. I write to stay in love. But setting an expectation to show up in a particular way has deviated me from my healing journey.
And so to be more authentic and fluid, to speak my truth unrefined and uncensored, and to move through my experiences swiftly and indifferently, I’m making new promises to only show up shamelessly yet honourably as possible.
Unfinished, raw, vulnerable, and as perfect as can be.
There is much beauty to be found in all this, and I invite you to find yours. Allow your truth to transcend through your chaos instead of trying to clean it all up.
Live in the moment. Feel it all.
And when it’s time to move on (you’ll know when), be ready to let it all go.
Whatever just happened is not yours to hold onto.